


The Case of the Foul-Play Flower-Pot

by pseudoku



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Murder Mystery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 17:41:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6714607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pseudoku/pseuds/pseudoku
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Donut's got an investigation to carry out, and he's not about to let a lack of training, no evidence, and zero interest by anyone else stop him!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Case of the Foul-Play Flower-Pot

“The dank, uncivilized aura of these caverns warned all visitors to stay away with their very existence. No hope was to be found here, no joy: this was a place of death, despair and tackiness. That alone wouldn't stop our salmon-shaded sleuth or his copper cohort though. They had a job to finish, boys and girls, and they were going to finish it **har** **d.”**

[“Whoever you're talking to, they probably hate your narration as much as I do.”]

“Of course your help is appreciated Lopez, you're a vital part of this investigation. After all, I'd be lost without my biographer!”

[“Why would you want a biography written in a language you don't understand.”]

“Too true, there'll be time for idle-chit chat later. Always the consummate professional, that's what I like about you. Now then, I do believe we have a mystery to solve!”

The two red soldiers made their way back into the recently-discovered network of caves hidden beneath Blood Gulch. They were retracing their steps to the spot where Donut had landed days back, after being crushed through the ground above by a cargo ship. Light shined through the newly formed opening the ceiling, giving the two an easy indication of which way to go. At its center, a single blue soldier laid limp under a single ray of light.

Donut approached the body at its head, with Lopez a few steps behind.

[“Wait. This guy is the one who's death you're trying to solve. It was Wyoming who killed him the second time. As for the first time, who cares.”]

“Good eye, Lopez! The murder DID originally happen outside these caves, far away from here, but aye, there's the rub!”

[“Stop saying that.”]

“I know that this guy had been dead before, back when I first discovered this place. **Ergo** , anything that happened after that point? That was tampering with the crime scene. Stealing evidence!”

[“The evidence was him. He stole himself.”]

Donut put a hand to his helmet, adjusting the brim of an imaginary hat. “If we're going to get to the bottom of this mystery, we need to return the crime scene to its original state, or at least as close as possible. That's why, when I found this guy outside, I dragged him back here as soon as I could!”

[“Is this the sort of thing you usually do when you're on your own. I'm only here because I proved mathematically that your vicinity is the least likely place those other three idiots would bother looking for me. This may or may not be worth it.”]

“Now now, let's not go jumping to conclusions, my erudite automaton! If we ever want to figure out who killed out poor John Doe-”

[“The blue ones called him by his name. Several times. It's Flowers. You were there.”]

“-then we'll want to properly survey the area for clues. Leave no stone unturned!”

Donut began searching the open space surrounding the body of Captain Flowers, unaware of Lopez's complete lack of movement behind him. Eventually, he wandered out of the android's field of view, not returning for 74.83 seconds (Lopez would later commemorate this float by assigning its value to a new constant named “Quite nice”). When he did eventually return, it was with both hands held eagerly behind his back. Donut was rolling back and forth on the balls of his feet in anticipation.

“We've got our first pieces of evidence!” he exclaimed, pulling his left hand out to display his findings. It contained something that, to Lopez's sensors, was more or less indistinguishable from dirt.

“Bat guano!” he shouted. “Very slippery, very easy to miss. You never know when it might play a crucial part in the events.”

[“Yes you do. Because it doesn't.”]

“Alright, alright. I'm getting to that” Donut replied, before showing his right hand.

It held a live snake.

“We've already got our first possible murder weapon! Our azure amigo could never have prepared for something so unconventional after all.” He motioned around the surrounding caverns with the hand he was using to hold the snake. “With an open battleground like this, I'll **bet** he was prepared for any sort of gunfight, but the _last_ thing he would have expected would be a snake-sneak attack! One bite, and it was all over!”

[“He was wearing the same king of protective armor that you are. I've seen it try to bite you four times so far. It's biting you right now.”]

“Hmmm. It **does** seem a little too neat and tidy, doesn't it? There's still a story here. Come on partner, lets investigate further!”

[“If I follow you, do you promise to stop bringing me feces.”]

The two proceeded further through the caves, turning a corner and heading through a corridorDonut had never used before. After the discovery of subterranean passageways, a huge tactical advantage had been exposed for all soldiers of Blood Gulch: the connecting veins offered easy, undetected access to any location in the boxed-off canyon, including the two bases.

To date, the only soldier to have taken advantage of this opportunity was Private Caboose, who enjoyed conversations with the echo he could get down there.

Donut and Lopez were now being led farther away from the sanctuary of red base and into neutral ground. Their current path was opening up again, leading to another exposed region.

[“Wait”], Lopez said after taking in the new surroundings. [“What's that thing doing here.”].

Not waiting for a response, he headed to the southeast corner of the current area, where an abandoned computer terminal was dormant under some debris. Several dead monitors had been configured behind a standard office armchair that was coated in dust and dirt from disuse.

“Heyyy, is that what I think it is?” Donut asked from close behind.

[“Doubtful”] Lopez replied, inspecting the setup further. [“This terminal is too advanced for simple COM operations. It would make sense for something like housing an AI, or working with quantum level trajectories, but in either case there'd be no use for an input-based set-”]

“It **IS** you!” Donut shouted. He then ran past Lopez, knelt down to the right of the computer terminal, and picked up a single human skull.

“So! We meet again, _numb-skull!_ ” he said, somehow sounding both accusative and self-satisfied at the same time.

[“No. Please let me investigate this.”]

“I can hardly believe it either old buddy! What would my old nemesis be doing down here anyway?”

[“There is literally no way that is the same skull that Sarge had you compete against for a promotion.”]

“This is starting to come together a little more now, don't you think?”

[“All of my emotions are programmed simulations designed purely for survival purposes, but I still feel the need to point out that I hate you.”]

“Still... I feel like there's one last piece missing. Something we've overlooked. Something...”

[“Someone was spying on us. That's an actual mystery. It's a problem we can actually investigate”]

“Egad!” Donut shouted as he raised an index finger in the air. “Follow me Lopez, we haven't a moment to spare!”

[“... Fine. But I'm serious. No more feces.”]

Donut then ran back through the hallway they'd first used, Lopez walking casually behind. “Once I saw that computer I realized something important. There's a good chance that someone at blue base probably hogs the internet the way Simmons does at ours. I'll bet you a Price is Right showcase showdown that our poor victim was on his way down here for a chance to check his emails in privacy.”

[“The setup would have to be meant for close range operations. There's no reason to configure it underground if it was meant to reach extra-planetary receivers-”]

“Don't go jumping to conclusions just yet Lopez! The computer alone wouldn't have been enough of a distraction, but with our bone-happy friend nearby-”

[“You do that on purpose don't you.”]

“That would scare anyone enough to take them aback!” the two were almost back to their original destination, not far from the resting place of Captain Flowers. “He recoiled in horror, took a few steps back, and slipped onnnn...” he announced, pointing at another pile of bat guano.

[“Oh god damn it.”]

“So down he goes after a nasty slip, leaving the poor blue nice and vulnerable. And that's when our attacker, the one who must have placed bone-head there in the first place, came forward and struck a killing blow!”

[“You know what. Why should I even bother with the computer. Who could I explain this to that's smart enough to care. And speaks Spanish.”]

“Oh, the snake? That was obviously just a red herring Lopez. You should really read more mystery novels.” Donut looked down at the victim one more time. “But that just leaves one question. Who was the one who struck the killing blow...”

He stood in silence for a few moments, keeping his focus on the corpse.

[“Sooo...”]

“I got it!” Donut interrupted, “That yellow girl!”

[“What.”]

“Don't you see? She was the only new person around at the time,! All the reds were with me before I found the body, and the blues would never kill one of their own, right?”

[“You mean the girl that wasn't even on the planet yet until after this one was found dead.”]

“It's the perfect crime. Now all that's left is to confront her with our air-tight case and wait for the confession that's sure to follow!”

[“You're a terrible solder and you hide your insecurities by trying to make those around you uncomfortable”]

“Come Lopez! To Blue Base! Our quest is nearing it's end!” Donut shouted, pure delight in his tone. He then ran off, skull still in hand.

Lopez remained behind. The snake was still nearby, and the two stared at each other for three minutes.

[“Congratulations”], Lopez finally said, [“you're now the least annoying life form I've ever met.”]


End file.
